As you have probably heard, Katie Holmes beat feet from Scientology, moved out her stuff and her daughter from Tom Cruise’s house, registered at a parish in NYC, and has now signed up her daughter with a Catholic girl’s school. So, as I’m sure the folks in Toledo are discussing it — is the Convent of the Sacred Heart school any good?

Welllll, they’ve got one of those websites that never says the word “Christ” or “Catholic.” And they’ve got uniforms with monogrammed blouses, so you can’t just go to the store and buy extra blouses. (Though somehow I bet that the uniform trade-in is still there somewhere.) But when I went and looked at the curriculum guide, they do still make the kids take Religion class, and the other classes mostly seem solid.

But here’s what’s weird.

They receive First Communion in SECOND GRADE. They don’t receive Confession until FOURTH GRADE. Receiving Communion unworthily, particularly with a mortal sin on your soul, is a mortal sin in itself. So the basic plan is to spend two years putting kids in danger of going to Hell? Is that loving? Is that prudent? Is that sane?

You’re nine or ten by fourth grade. Harry Potter was heading to Hogwarts by then. Sheesh, by then I was already having constant suicidal thoughts. Nowadays, most girls are already in training bras and some of them have their period. They are dating. They are online with older guys. They are not given any quarter by the world today. So seriously, Convent of the Sacred Heart school, are you high? How long are you going to wait to provide kids with necessary graces? You waiting for them to get a job, take drugs, or run away from home?

So yeah, I would say that Katie and every other parent need to get their kids into a CCD that includes Confession, because I’m here to tell you that 7 years old is the age of reason, and that 7 year olds can sin mortally. Either that, or you just take the kids to Confession. It’s any baptized Catholic’s right to receive; you don’t have to wait for schooling and authorization for that particular sacrament.

Most of the curriculum is pretty solid and they do get Religion class all the way till graduation, but Senior English class seems to be dedicated to Reading Stuff That Your Mother Will Never Let You Read in School. I guess they want to make sure that every Catholic schoolgirl has to read about lesbians and rape before they go to college. Yay. But by the time Suri graduates, probably all that will be out of fashion, and we can get back to the Great Books, or at least away from timewasting literary darlings.

However, the basic foundation is very good. Here are some quotes from St. Madeleine Sophie Barat, the order’s founder, who seems to have been a very shrewd and determined, as well as a very holy, sister. If the school is actually still attached to the order, which I can’t determine from their website.

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